WELL what a splendid start to the new year! There I was, stripping the foil of my first Ferrero Rocher of the day and congratulating myself on coming through the festive season virtually unscathed when a roar of outrage from the dog indicated that the postie was coming up the path.

After the seasonal lull, there was quite a deluge of post, including exhortations to take out still more life insurance, embark on an escorted holiday to Vietnam and replace all the double glazing in return for a lifetime of debt.

There were also a couple of delayed Christmas cards and an invitation to join the Cats Protection League, but sadly there was nothing from the Queen inviting me to become Lord Hextol of Bellingham, but I have slowly learned to put a brave face on this bi-annual disappointment

Among the dross though was a white envelope bearing the chilling legend “Do not ignore – this is not a circular”. I opened it with shaking fingers, to learn with some distress that I had acquired a parking ticket in the run-up to Christmas .

I was informed with a certain amount of glee that I had exceeded the maximum waiting time at the Hexham branch of Aldi by 13 whole minutes, a transgression which would cost me £70.

The letter contained dark threats about the folly of ignoring the notice, which was issued under paragraph 9 (2) (b) of Schedule Four of the Protection of Freedoms Act 2012.

They had thoughtfully included a photograph of Mrs Hextol and me arriving at 11.06:33 am on December 21, and of us leaving again, considerably lighter in the wallet and more heavily laden in the boot, at 12.49:52 pm.

I cannot dispute the fact that the stipulated parking time of 90 minutes was clearly exceeded, but I reckon that an excess charge amounting to more than £5 per minute was a tad excessive in the season of goodwill to all men.

And it doesn’t take into account the sheer horror of food shopping in the run up to Christmas to stave off starvation because the shops are going to be closed for an entire 24 hours…

Actually parking the car at Aldi can be tricky, as everyone wants to get as near to the entrance as possible. The actual parking bays are among the tightest in town, and shoppers can take forever to shoogle and shuggy their way into one.

As soon as a person gets back into their parked car, a queue forms up in a tight phalanx behind them, like a pack of hungry hyenas around a downed water buffalo, engines revving and faces set, and their chagrin is palpable when after a few tense moments the driver gets out with a grin to wander across to the adjacent Tesco to make a few additional purchases.

I had to drop off Mrs Hextol to make a start while I jockeyed for position, and eventually managed to beat the circling vultures to squeeze into a space that became unexpectedly vacant.

If looks could have killed, I would never have made it past the bread aisle.

The scene inside the store was utter bedlam as the aisles were packed with shoppers determined to stock up before the great shop closure.

If most people do their shopping online these days, no-one had told these valkyries of the trolleys as they shovelled stuff in as though their very survival depended on it.

Mrs Hextol has a knack of disappearing completely in an even modestly populated supermarket, so I reckoned I would never find her in this heaving maelstrom of humanity, but there she was, trolley wheels bent under a mound of satsumas, swede and sweetheart cabbage.

I was drafted in to use the trolley as a battering ram as she tunnelled through to find essential items.

She was on her second shopping list, having lost the first, and I was entrusted with ticking off all items as they were secured.

Eventually, the list was completed, and we were able to join one of the queues which stretched beyond the curvature of the earth to reach the tills.

I needed another shave by the time we finally reached the till, where the bill was in excess of £80 – a total I had always considered impossible to reach in Aldi .

Getting out of the car park took almost as long as getting in – so it may be a while before I go back!