Last updated 13:28, Thursday, 12 June 2008

IF ever you want to while away an illuminating couple of hours, try sticking your own name into Google.

You may be surprised at all the things you have done in your life.

Take myself, for instance;I was most surprised to learn that not only had I been murdered in Iraq, but I was also a successful film producer from South Africa, as well as being a leading light in the martial art of taekwando.

I am also a London plumber, and the manufacturer of a floating hat.

For her part, Mrs Hextol is a professor of religious studies at the University of Dayton in Ohio, who has written several eminent pamphlets on ecclesiastical issues.

One of my sons hit the national headlines when he enlivened Bonfire Night by using his bottom as the launch site for a rocket – and finished up in hospital with a scorched colon when the stunt went wrong.

When not igniting his digestive tract, he also finds time to make exclusive designer furniture.

He is also a prominent lawyer, surgeon and manufacturer of double glazing.

Another son is a supplier of outmoded computers like Spectrum and Commodores, and as well as living the ex-pat’s life in the Spanish Costas, he is a motor racing champion and an expert on the history of Whitstable.

A third son is a virtuoso on the post horn, beloved of twee pubs across Britain, and his Post Horn Gallop has been much admired throughout Cheshire.

He is also a naval architect of some repute, as well as being a fashion and make-up artiste, and a schoolteacher in Australia.

The last of my multi-talented offspring is an American air-traffic controller who wore a kilt to work in bizarre pursuit of a pay claim.

He is also a senior weather forecaster, a breeder of real live rodeo bulls, a top figure skater and a fireman on the paradise island of Hawaii.

I should point out at this stage that I am in fact unrelated to any of these doppellgangers.

And despite the repeated mentions of our names, only the odd one about my true self is a genuine reflection of the Hextol family tree.

Given that ours is a relatively unusual name, it is little wonder that the felons of this world find it so easy to pull off the odd bit of identity theft.

Quite how the Smiths, Joneses and Browns of this world go on is quite mind stretching.

Given that there are so many of me, albeit several of me are deceased, how come those cold callers from the sub-continent still manage to track the real me down?

And how come they do it when I am about to tuck into my steak and kidney pudding and chips, watch a parti-cularly gripping episode of Coronation Street or to wrestle with a crossword in the confines of the Hextol Towers bathroom?

Their effrontery is truly astonishing, as they launch into their carefully prepared script about mobile phones, double glazing, mortgages or new kitchens, without a thought as to how convenient it may be.

One once guaranteed me that he could cut my gas bill in half – and still continued his pointless spiel when I shot him down in flames with the news that would be impossible, as there is no gas supply in our village, unless it comes in bottles.

My inate good manners usually means that I listen politely to their honeyed words, despite the fact that the steam-emitting fontanelle on my baby’s head is closing up, or the towels have come at t’Rovers.

I haven’t got the heart to tell them I want neither a kitchen nor new soffits, and I want a mobile phone as much as I want Gazza as my next door neighbour.

It’s usually Mrs Hextol who has to deal with these unwanted callers, as she sees me shrugging and humming hesitantly.

It is with great relief when with a sigh she removes the phone from my grasp, and barks into the mouthpiece, “We’re not interested thank you”, before hanging up and then sweeping away with an eloquent shrug.

I did once succumb to the blandishments of a persistent lady who promised me enough Nectar points not only to embark on a world cruise, but also to buy the ship, if I agreed to switch electricity suppliers.

I agreed to make the switch in January – I’m still awaiting the arrival of those Nectar points.