FOR more than 30 years, the murky world of second-hand cars has passed me by.

I was fortunate enough to have the use of a company car, so had no need to revisit the shark-infested waters cruised by the sharp-suited Arthur Daleys of the motor trade.

I was cushioned from all aspects of car ownership, in the sure and certain knowledge that if the car broke down, a nice man would fix it for me and bring it back not only repaired, but given a good wash and polish too.

And every three or four years, I would be asked to choose a new model from an extensive menu listing just about every car on the road.

It wasn’t all beer and skittles though, for 18 months into retirement, I am still being pursued by the Inland Revenue for mysterious car benefits seemingly accrued when cars had to be preceded by a man waving a red flag.

Back in the BCC days – Before Company Car – I did have a succession of cheap and cheerful conveyances, each with their own interesting foibles.

Air conditioning was still in its infancy when I had my first Mini, comprising a pair of sliding windows, with the addition of several large holes in the floor, through which the road surface could clearly be viewed from a completely different angle.

Equally interesting was the vehicle in which I learned to drive – a Del Boy-style Reliant Supervan three-wheeler, which reared up like a startled stallion when first gear was engaged and had a self-releasing handbrake which, on more than one occasion, saw it walk off on a little stroll all by itself.

In those days, cars seemed much simpler, and there was a feeling that even a mechanical simpleton like me could fix most problems with a pair of ladies’ tights, a ball of string and a little ingenuity.

Nowadays, there is little scope for the amateur mechanic, as car manufacturers have handed over even the most mundane routine maintenance tasks to computers.

The replacement of brake pads on my present car had to be postponed, because The Computer wouldn’t let a vastly experienced mechanic gain access to its sacred wheel hubs.

However, I enjoyed my three decades of hassle-free motoring, and it came as a real shock to the system when I retired to find I had to hand in my car keys along with my office keys and other accoutrements.

I found myself having to buy a car that did not come with free repairs and servicing, free tyres and fully comprehensive insurance – with a bang up to the minute replacement ready to come into service a couple of years into the future.

I have been pleased with the car I bought on retirement, but my recent forays into the fragrant world of horse husbandry mean that the once plush seats are frequently festooned with haylage and straw, and an entire forest of those little green car air freshener trees could not entirely hide the miasma of equine aromas which have become my constant companions.

The pong lingers on my wellies and overalls which reside in the boot, and no matter how securely I wrap them in bags and odour-eating blankets, the smell still manages to seep out.

Holding her nose delicately between two fingers one day last week, Mrs Hextol declared that if I was to persist in visiting my equine acquaintances, I would not be doing it in the family hatchback.

“You’ve got it stinking – if you are going to carry on with the horses, you’ll have to get an old banger to run around in and keep the stink and the mess in there,” she ruled.

I did what I always do in times of motoring need, and consulted number one son, who seems able to get his hands on an endless supply of wrecks banned from the scrap yard for fear of giving the place a bad reputation, and recycling them into perfectly acceptable modes of transport.

Within an hour of my call, he had offered me a Renault Clio for £300, which only needed a new spring to get it through its MoT, or a Megane for £200, lacking only a clutch.

Later that day though, I was the proud owner of a Y reg Honda with a long MoT,whose only fault was its habit of jumping out of fifth gear at times of stress,

Who needs a fifth gear? I seem to recall that that frisky Reliant only had three!